
Another form of Abuse
You may be presently serving in a church where the environment is becoming toxic. If not, you probably have known others who suffered under a toxic leader. Toxic leaders are abusive in one way are another. In the church we have defined this as spiritual abuse. What exactly is spiritual abuse? Jeff VanVonderen, co-author of the classic book The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, explains it this way: “Spiritual abuse occurs when someone in a position of spiritual authority … misuses that authority placing themselves over God’s people to control, coerce or manipulate them for seemingly godly purposes which are really their own.”
Spiritual abuse is not a new problem. You can find instances in the Bible of spiritual leaders exploiting people to build their kingdoms. In Jeremiah 8:11 (NIV) the Lord called out the abuse of prophets and priests, saying, “They dress the wound of my people as though it were not serious.”
Matthew 20:25-28 25 But Jesus called them to Himself and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and those who are great exercise authority over them. 26 Yet it shall not be so among you; but whoever desires to become great among you, let him be your servant. 27 And whoever desires to be first among you, let him be your slave— 28 just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.”
Jesus described the leadership norm of the day when he said they “lord if over” the people. I have pondered that phrase many times in the past. What does it mean to lord over? In brief it is the excessive or coercive use of authority for unbiblical, sinful, and/or self-serving purposes rather than for the glory of God and the edification and loving welfare of God’s people.
Lording over someone is abuse – (from Noah Webster’s 1828 American Dictionary of the English Language)
(1) To use ill; to maltreat, to misuse; to use with bad motives or to wrong purposes
(2) To violate; to defile by improper sexual intercourse.
(3) To deceive; to impose on.
(4) To treat rudely, or with reproachful language; to revile.
(5) To pervert the meaning of; to misapply; as to abuse words.
Sometimes it is clear when a leader’s style has become toxic. As seen in this definition it can be reflected in sexual violation or lies. But, often a toxic leadership style is difficult to spot because it is much more the condition of the heart and attitudes. As is also seen in this definition abuse is reflected in rudeness, belittling words, condescending dialogue when the leader is confronted with his wrongs and the twisting of one’s words to prove that you have misunderstood or misjudged situations. Here we can understand why the Scripture says “the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7). Most toxic situations remain so because it is hidden and the methods are very subtle. However, the effect of hidden abuse is no less dangerous to the health of the church than a outwardly expressed toxic leadership.
There are many books and articles written on toxic leadership these days. Below is just one list of identifiers of toxic leadership. Here are six bright red warning signs of spiritual abuse written by Stephen Altrogge, pastor and author.
- He surrounds himself with “yes” people
- Critics are isolated
- Loyalty is prized over diversity
- Refusing accountability
- Leading by force of personality
- Refusing to believe anything is wrong
It is interesting that these same characteristics are found in toxic leaders whether they be in the church or in the secular workplace. It doesn’t matter if the leader professes to be a Christian or an atheist, the signs are still the same.
Jesus taught a new way of leadership that is in direct contrast to what his disciples had seen in the society at that time. It is also in direct contrast to the toxic and abusive style of leadership we see today in many businesses or churches. What does this new style of leadership look like?
Servant Leadership Characteristics:
- Leading from the motivation of love (God’s love). The leader makes requests from members from love for Christ’s sake and for the good of the church. The leader shows a great compassion like a shepherd does for hurting or troubled sheep. In this we will see the leader will lead sacrificially, having a willingness to lay down their lives for the sheep.
- Leading with a servant’s heart. The leader with this type of heart does not view himself above the menial tasks to be done nor does he view others as his servants. His thoughts are often on how to serve others.
- Leading with a watchful eye on the flock to care for and protect the sheep.
- Leading by examples as shepherds to the sheep. Demonstrating the character of Christ and providing a clear model of His ways.
- Leading like a spiritual father who loves his family. Providing direction, encouragement, counsel, correction and affirmation to the members.
In God’s kingdom greatness is not measured by authority over others, but by serving people and putting others above self. As Christian leaders there must be less concern on our position and more concern given to loving and serving the people. Jesus defined greatness by servanthood. He told his disciples that if they truly want to be great they should serve.
There are many reasons I can say why leaders move from being humble servants of the Lord to become toxic and abusive. Some of them are speculative and others are factual. However, the reasons are probably as varied as the number of leaders we may consider. In this writing I am simply wanting to cause awareness of the matter. I want to encourage leaders to evaluate their own styles and leadership behaviors so that you may adjust and correct some leanings that may become toxic. I want to encourage the member who has felt something is wrong in the leader of the church where you attend. If you are identifying toxic or abusive behavior in your leader(s), I encourage you to speak to the leader about it directly. Be sure you write down your observations or concerns before speaking to the leader. A truly toxic leader will try to get you off topic and avoid your concerns. If you are not satisfied that the leader has heard you and understands your own hurt or offense, then invite another leader or member to go with you for a second talk. If you are still not satisfied and you continue to see the abusive behavior continuing, then you may consider calling an outside authority such as a denominational supervisor or overseer. The last option you have is, of course, leave and seek fellowship in another church. I do hope that you will not consider this last option quickly, but it is still an option you may need to consider.